My Journey to Stability - Two Years on since Postpartum Pychosis

It's the middle of the night and I'm not sleeping. Sometimes this happens. I'm wide awake and looking at past videos and pictures on my phone of my baby boy and I. Those who have read my earlier blog post will know that mental health problems have been at the fore front of my mind for two years, after falling ill with postpartum psychosis following the birth of my son.  I wrote a blog about my experience and couldn't have imagined the response it got. With over 12000 views and many comments from others affected by this illness, it was so heart warming.

Life is normal again. You have no idea how happy that makes me. To be alive and to feel stable and trustworthy of myself is so freeing. Motherhood comes with its own challenges but my bond with my boy is one that is affectionate, consistent and loving. There are many times now that I feel I am enjoying being a mum which is all I have ever wanted.

Sadly, there are many aspects of my life that I’ve had to give up to concentrate on my recovery and being a mother. I was dismissed from my role as an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor. I couldn’t return to the job as it was surrounded by so much trauma. My therapist and I established that there were a lot of links between my job and the hallucinations I was experiencing during the darkest days of the illness. It felt right to leave.

During the last six months I have got a job in a shop which has raised my confidence no end. When I first started there I was scared and extremely nervous. But as time goes on I feel like I’m getting better everyday at it.

My relationship with my partner has been through so much. During my illness, we kind of resorted to him being my carer. He would make sure I took my meds and would be my sounding board during tough times. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him around. We’ve got to the stage now though where we are talking until late in the night about our dreams and goals as a little family.

I suppose the biggest thing that has taken a bashing is my physical health. Throughout my recovery my relationship with food has changed, I believe that it is toxic to say the least.

After the baby was born I was so lost, I stopped eating. I felt I didn't deserve food, I didn't deserve pleasure. I didn't eat a full meal for a month.  Staff in the hospital had to sit down with me to encourage me to eat a few spoonfuls a day.

I went from being a size 18, to a size 12, in a month. Isn't that fantastic? I was an ideal advert for how to lose weight. Losing weight is the key to happiness. It's only now I realize how wrong that is. My experience of losing a lot of weight was essentially an act of self harm. The thinner I got the more I plunged into darkness.

Since being discharged from hospital, I have put on 7 st.  My relationship with food did a 180! I went from not eating at all to over-eating. I look a lot different. My body doesn't fit in with the ideals of society. My weight is becoming more and more at the fore front of my mind. I see people torture themselves over the numbers on the scales and its becoming all I think about. I must be thinner and fast! Being thinner surely must mean happiness. I know from experience that this is simply not true.

I need to remember that, for me, losing weight isn't to look aesthetically pleasing to everyone else, it isn't to be attractive to other people. Its a way of showing myself love.  Its a way of me being fit enough to be an active parent for my boy.  Its a way of breathing easier.

Art pyschotherapy was such a great help to me during my time in hospital. It was a way of expressing what i couldnt say. I now attend an art class once a week. Ive met so many friends who understand and who are compassionate. Painting has become a great escape but at the same time it is an outlet for me to explore what has happened.

Sadly, there still isnt a mother and baby mental health unit in wales. I'm always thinking about other women who are suffering, who have to travel far an wide for treatment or those women who never get heard at all. It worries me no end. I know that there are a lot of families and health professionals who are campaigning for one to return to wales. I was told that my recovery has cost the nhs approximately £350,000. As humbling as that is, having an mbu in wales would not only be ideal for mums but for cost savings! I really hope that one day the welsh government re-establishes an mbu for the sake of many mums and families.

For me, the future is now looking bright and i feel tremendously lucky. I hold my little boy a little closer when i think of what my mind has gone through. I try to practice gratitude for every day i get. Thank you so much for the support from our loved ones and to those who have been in touch.

Xx